Written Notice

I'm still working at Somewhere what I worked this one time for some reason, and for some reason Somewhere what I worked this one time are having a staff meeting (or an ASAM, I'm not quite sure what is stands for, Assocatiates stare and moan or summat, interpretations are more than welcome from my lovely commentors) and I want to give them a sarcastic letter where I say I can't be bothered to attend and avoid disciplinary action at the same time (whatever that means, slapped wrist? Which is incidently my response to anything when I get told I've done something wrong at work), but I don't have the guts to give them the letter to them, so I'll use my blog, my welcome home of Somewhere what I worked this one time bitching.

Dear [Rude word when I should have said people],

Unfortunatly I am unable to attend the ASAM meeting thingy in February because sadly I've been struck down with a horrible crippling condition where I can't be bothered to attend.

If said meeting was on a day I'm contracted to work on (if I even have a fucking contract) then my crippling condition would hold back for an hour and permit me to stay, but having said meeting on a weekday has brought such a major case of my condition (some doctors I have spoken to have called it laziness, others have just called it 'a loathing for Somewhere what I worked this one time') that I just can't attend. Sure 6PM is a lovely time, and with my university schedule (which goes no later than 5) I could manage to attend, and the buffet you are offering sounds wonderful (cold pizza and cheese and pineapple on sticks I hope!), and the fact I'll be paid for turning up soundd tempting, but dear sods I got out my calculator and calculated I'd only earn £8.25 and that's not really enough to combat my condition.

Sure if I go to a competivley priced bar (so not a bar in Reading town centre) I'd be able to buy 4 drinks for that price and be drunk (I'm a bit of lightweight Somewhere what I worked this one time, useful informaton for you there, so feel free managment to get be rat assed at work, it would make my shifts tollerable) but I just can't be bothered.

Don't get me wrong I loved the previous meeting. I loved that the manager INSISTED in continuing in her jokes after jokes (can some one point out to her that she isn't funny, it's just embarrasing). I loved the patronising manner loss protection tried to drum into our heads the way to help prevent people steeling by offering sweets and saying a patronising 'well done' when we'd say simple stuff like 'you can text.' I also loved that we were told for some reason about the wonderful promotion Robbie Walliams has done for Somewhere what I worked this one time with his hit song rudebox which for some god awful reason the manager seemed to think was great, it was only a shame that at the last meeting I hadn't the guts to shout that it was a shit song. And I loved that we were told that the Reading store was being advertised on local television, that excited me, the thought of serving more foreign customers who seem to think you can buy anything at the store and assume that everything in the store is cheap and a bargain.

So in summary [Rude word when I should have said people], whilst the idea of £8.25 extra being in my wallet, and the excitement about the company and the store that no doubt I will learn I just can't be bothered to go, so I would be most greatful if you could let me keep my job and let me not attened at the same time.

Cheers loves.